He left when I was seven. Thing is, I thought I was getting used to him not being around but I was wrong. I have missed him and the strangest thing has just happened. Dad’s just turned up on the TV, in my actual living room. Dad’s a star, a real-life TV presenter now. That means one thing: I know exactly where I can find him. When I get in touch he’s going to be a proper dad again, he’ll want to come back and then my family will be perfect. We’re not perfect now. Mum’s acting weird and she’s got this new boyfriend and my sister, Ninja Grace, is never going to be perfect no matter what happens. Sometimes, when no one is around, I tell my dog Charles Scallybones about how much I want my dad back. To be honest, he doesn’t answer. He’s too busying chewing Ninja Grace’s shoes and then being sick on the carpet.
Alphabet potato shapes
Skateboarding
Annoying Ninja Grace
Walking Charles Scallybones and letting him pee in the same places every night
Playing guitar except when there’s a power cut
Cleaning up dog sick and discovering it’s just sick and there’s no hidden treasure
Strange dreams that don’t make sense
Mrs Parfitt giving ‘The Look’
Kevin Cummings crossing his fingers
Not having a dad
My Dad has made me and my little brother, Billy, run away from our house in the middle of the night. Yup, I like an adventure as much as the next person but now I’ve seen the stinky flat we’re going to be living in this is less like an adventure and more like a mystery. Dad says Pearl, his girlfriend, isn’t coming to live with us either. We’ve just left her behind at the old house. I tell Dad I didn’t say goodbye. Dad says it doesn’t matter. But goodbyes are important to me because I never got to say goodbye to my mum either. Mum died when I was little. I can’t really remember Mum but she left behind her armchair and when I climb into it I feel safe and close to her. My little brother misses both Mum and Pearl and I need to make things better. Trouble is: how can you make things better when you’re hurting too? I don’t know the answers to everything but I think the paper cranes I keep finding everywhere might have something to do with it.
Marvin’s Medical Manual
Mum’s old armchair
Being a legend
Getting rid of snails
Fortune cookies that say nice things
Massaging Ibiza Nana’s bunions
Trying to find missing snails
Naked men who pose for art classes
Quality time when it should be Quality Street
Not having said goodbye to Mum
I was adopted when I was little. Thing is, I was always okay with being Adam Butters – that is, until I found a certificate in Mum and Dad's bedroom. And HOLY DOUGHNUTS my real name is Ace. Now, we both know that you’re not given a name like Ace unless your real mother thinks you’re destined to be a superhero. So, that’s why I’m changing myself. I’m going to do whatever I can to prove I’m a hero worthy of the name Ace and when I find my real mother she’s going to love me because everyone loves a superhero… don’t they?
The Zorbitans
Annoying Minnie
Walking Velvet's imaginary dog
Having a friend like Tiny Eric because it’s like having King Kong’s bigger brother as a mate
Being Ace
Getting leg cramp in the pool
Losing my jigsaw piece
Flying down the road in a Binmobile
Pulling off my comic wallpaper
Whale music